well I can't set my house on fire every night
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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