When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
