how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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