to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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