im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
