someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
