I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
