I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
