I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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