Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
