I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
