First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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