You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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