Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
