At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
