My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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