Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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