tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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