Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
