Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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