We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
