you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
