tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
