In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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