No awkward lesbian experiences without me
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We need to get me chipped asap
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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