Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
