forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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