Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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