He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I AM VODKA MAN
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
