I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
