I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
