"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that