Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?