So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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