Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
