How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
