Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Best friends brother. Beat that.
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I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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