you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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