After last night, I could never be a politician.
My balls are so social today.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
