My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
FUCK WHALES
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
