ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
