we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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