My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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