he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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