My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
