My first STD was from a foam party
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
