Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
