Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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