party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
