We're facebook friends in real life
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
