If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
