Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
