I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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