I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
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