all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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