I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
