you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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