just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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