eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
