Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.