I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I need to sanitize my soul.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
